How to Read “Urging good is the way of friends”
Zen wo semuru wa hōyū no michi nari
Meaning of “Urging good is the way of friends”
This proverb means that correcting a friend’s mistakes or errors is what true friendship is about.
“Urging good” means asking someone to do better and encouraging them to walk the right path.
It teaches that real friendship isn’t just getting along on the surface. True friends can say difficult things because they care.
People use this proverb when a friend is heading in the wrong direction. It also explains why someone gave harsh advice to a friend.
The phrase expresses an attitude of “I speak up because I truly care,” not “I stay silent because I don’t want to be disliked.”
Even today, this spirit remains important when talking about serious friendships. A relationship where you only praise each other isn’t enough.
The most valuable friendships in life are those where you wish for each other’s growth. Sometimes you share words that are hard to hear.
Origin and Etymology
This proverb is thought to be influenced by ancient Chinese philosophy, especially Confucian teachings.
The word “hōyū” (朋友) itself is a classical expression. The phrase “urging good” also has a literary Chinese sound to it.
The word “semuru” (責む) is often used today to mean criticize or blame. But in classical usage, it had a stronger meaning of “to request” or “to demand.”
In other words, “urging good” didn’t mean attacking someone. It meant asking them to do better and guiding them toward the right path.
Confucianism teaches the “Five Relationships,” which are the basics of human connections. Among these is “trust between friends.”
In friendship, people were expected to trust each other and improve together. True friendship wasn’t just having fun together.
It was about helping each other grow.
As Confucian thought spread to Japan, this view of friendship took root, especially among the warrior class.
Similar expressions appear in moral instruction books from the Edo period. They show how important friends were considered for character development.
This proverb contains the value that friends who tell you hard truths are your real friends.
Usage Examples
- He pointed out my failure harshly, but urging good is the way of friends, so I think he’s a truly valuable friend
- My subordinate made a sour face when I corrected their mistake, but urging good is the way of friends, so I have to say what needs to be said
Universal Wisdom
In human relationships, we often face a big contradiction.
We swing between the desire to be liked and the sincerity of thinking about what’s best for others.
This proverb has been passed down for so long because it recognizes this universal conflict.
People instinctively try to avoid confrontation. The feeling of not wanting to upset someone or be disliked is natural.
But at the same time, we can’t just silently watch someone we truly care about go down the wrong path.
Between these two emotions, we’re constantly forced to choose.
What’s interesting is how this proverb sharply distinguishes between superficial kindness and true compassion.
People who only say pleasant things might actually be prioritizing not being disliked themselves.
Meanwhile, people who have the courage to say harsh things know the risk of breaking the relationship. Yet they still worry about the other person’s future.
Human growth requires opportunities to notice our own flaws and mistakes. But alone, it’s hard to see our own blind spots.
That’s why relationships where you can speak frankly are precious.
This proverb teaches us the essence of human relationships. True friendship isn’t found in comfort.
It exists in the toughness of supporting each other’s growth.
When AI Hears This
When a friend warns you, you’re in a “state that has deviated from the goal.”
Like an air conditioner measuring room temperature and adjusting heating or cooling, a friend observes your behavior.
They detect the gap between your actions and the ideal state. Then they send a correction signal: “Isn’t that wrong?”
This is negative feedback control.
What’s interesting is that this control system has built-in time delay. Friends don’t warn you immediately.
They observe several times and determine if it’s really a deviation before intervening.
In engineering terms, a “low-pass filter” is working—a mechanism that removes noise.
It doesn’t react to temporary moods or accidental mistakes. It only targets persistent deviations for correction.
That’s why a friend’s advice is accurate.
Even more important is that this system is bidirectional. You detect the other person’s deviations, and they detect yours.
In other words, two control devices stabilize each other—a “mutual control system.”
Blind spots you can’t notice alone are covered by the other person’s sensors.
Even if one sensor becomes dull, the whole system stays stable if the other one functions.
This redundancy is the engineering value of friendship.
Life’s fluctuations that one person can’t control are kept within optimal range by the external sensor called a friend.
Urging good is the essential feedback that keeps humans operating stably.
Lessons for Today
Modern society is dominated by “like” culture.
Everyone seeks approval, fears criticism, and often treats not making waves as a virtue.
But this proverb gives us a lesson we should take to heart, especially in such times.
Tell the truth to people who truly matter to you, with courage.
This isn’t to hurt them. You can do it because you believe in their potential.
Of course, how you say it matters. Don’t blame emotionally.
Speak calmly, with feelings of wishing for the other person’s growth.
At the same time, prepare your heart to accept harsh opinions yourself.
People who tell you things that are hard to hear are your true allies.
Don’t become defensive at their words. Try seeing them as chances to grow.
In life, truly valuable relationships are those where you elevate each other.
Build friendships bound by deep trust, including not just superficial kindness but sometimes toughness too.
That’s where true human growth lies.
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