How to Read “Both striking and stroking are a parent’s kindness”
Utsu mo naderu mo oya no on
Meaning of “Both striking and stroking are a parent’s kindness”
This proverb means that whether parents scold their children harshly or treat them gently with praise, both actions come from love and care for the child. Everything a parent does is a form of kindness.
In raising children, parents sometimes face situations where they must be strict. When a child does something dangerous or morally wrong, strong discipline is a parent’s responsibility.
At the same time, children need encouragement and gentle expressions of love. These actions may seem opposite on the surface, but they share the same foundation: the wish for the child to grow up healthy and well.
This proverb is used when children feel rebellious toward their parents’ strictness, or when parents themselves feel uncertain about being harsh. It teaches the importance of understanding the love behind parental actions.
The saying shows the foundation of trust in parent-child relationships and remains meaningful today.
Origin and Etymology
The exact origin of this proverb is not documented in specific texts. However, it was likely already widely used among common people during the Edo period.
The proverb pairs two contrasting actions, “striking” and “stroking,” to express the dual nature of parental education.
“Striking” refers to harsh scolding and strict attitudes, sometimes including physical discipline. “Stroking” means treating gently, praising, and showing affection.
These two actions seem completely opposite. But the insight at the heart of this proverb is that both arise from the same parental desire for the child’s growth.
In Edo period commoner society, parents disciplining their children strictly was considered a natural responsibility. At the same time, understanding the deep love behind that strictness was seen as important for a child’s development.
By using the word “kindness,” the proverb expresses the value that all parental actions are benefits to the child.
This expression likely emerged as Confucian ideals of parent-child relationships took root in Japanese culture and merged with the everyday sensibilities of common people.
It’s a proverb that captures the diverse forms of parental love in a single phrase, reflecting the Japanese view of family.
Usage Examples
- The son was in his rebellious phase and resisted his father’s nagging, but his grandmother counseled him that both striking and stroking are a parent’s kindness
- After scolding her daughter, she fell into self-loathing, but remembering the words “both striking and stroking are a parent’s kindness” brought her some relief
Universal Wisdom
This proverb has been passed down through generations because it captures an eternal conflict and truth in parent-child relationships.
Everyone must have two sides when dealing with loved ones: sometimes strict, sometimes gentle. This isn’t a contradiction. It’s the essential nature of love.
Parents constantly face doubts while raising children. Will being strict make them hate me? Will being too gentle spoil them?
This conflict never disappears, no matter how times change. That’s because it’s “doubt born from seriously thinking about the other person’s future.”
Children also take time to understand their parents’ strictness. When scolded, they may rebel, feel hurt, or even resent their parents.
But as they gain life experience, a moment arrives when they realize the depth of love within that strictness. This time lag of “understanding later” reveals the profound nature of human relationships.
This proverb teaches us the truth that love cannot be expressed in a single form. Feelings for someone appear sometimes as strictness, sometimes as gentleness.
Our ancestors understood that accepting this diversity is what it means to truly understand love.
When AI Hears This
Every time children observe their parents’ actions, they try to determine “is this person friend or foe?” Looking only at the moment of being scolded, parents clearly appear as “beings who bring disadvantage.”
Game theory calls this an incomplete information game. In other words, it’s a game where you must make judgments without seeing all the information about what the other player aims to achieve.
What’s interesting is that the diversity of strategies parents employ itself becomes the key to building trust.
If parents were always only gentle, children might suspect “is this person trying to spoil me and take away my judgment?” Conversely, if only strict, they’d be seen as “just a controller.”
But by combining opposite actions of striking and stroking, children begin to recognize parents as “sophisticated players choosing optimal moves according to the situation.”
This is the same mechanism by which cooperation emerges in the iterated prisoner’s dilemma. In a one-time relationship, betrayal is rational, but when meeting repeatedly, cooperation yields greater long-term benefits.
Children observe their parents’ behavior patterns over time and learn that both strictness and gentleness are “different tactics for maximizing the same objective function.”
The moment this learning completes, the incomplete information game transforms into a complete information game, and true trust is established.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches modern people the importance of not judging others’ actions one-dimensionally.
When someone speaks harsh words to you, try looking at the feelings behind them. Behind the surface strictness may hide a wish for your growth.
At the same time, when you’re in a position where you must be strict with someone, this proverb gives you courage.
Gentleness alone isn’t proof of love. Because you seriously consider the other person’s future, sometimes you need to steel your heart and deliver harsh words.
Having that courage is also an expression of deep love.
In modern society, there’s a tendency to avoid strictness and always treat others gently. But true trust relationships are born from three-dimensional communication that includes both gentleness and strictness.
Having the flexibility to choose the appropriate attitude toward important people according to the situation—that’s the message this proverb wants to convey to us living today.
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