How to Read “据え膳食わぬは男の恥”
Suezen kuwanu wa otoko no haji
Meaning of “据え膳食わぬは男の恥”
The original meaning of this proverb is the teaching that “not eating a meal prepared before you is shameful for a man.”
This doesn’t simply mean that one shouldn’t waste food, but rather teaches the importance of honestly showing gratitude for someone’s kindness and consideration, and accepting it. It expresses that understanding the feelings of the person who prepared the meal and responding to their goodwill is a man’s dignity and responsible behavior.
The situations where this proverb is used are mainly when someone kindly prepares something for you or shows you favor. It teaches that the secret to maintaining good human relationships is to accept such consideration from others graciously without dismissing it. Even in modern times, the importance of appropriately responding to others’ goodwill remains unchanged. Showing gratitude through actions and cherishing others’ consideration becomes the foundation for building trusting relationships.
Origin and Etymology
The origin of this proverb is said to come from the code of conduct for men in the samurai society of the Edo period. “Suezen” refers to a meal prepared by setting up a tray, meaning a meal served before you.
For samurai in the Edo period, meals were not merely nutritional intake, but important acts of showing gratitude to their lord and family, and gaining strength to fulfill their roles. Samurai in particular needed to always be prepared for battle and were required to maintain their physical and mental strength.
Against this background, not eating a meal prepared before you was viewed as abandoning one’s responsibilities and wasting others’ consideration. Not showing gratitude to the person who prepared the meal and neglecting one’s own health management was considered to represent a lack of responsibility as a man.
The concepts of “duty” and “responsibility” in the bushido spirit are deeply involved in the background of how this proverb spread. Appropriately responding to others’ goodwill and consideration was basic etiquette for maintaining smooth human relationships, and men who couldn’t do this were said to lose social trust. Thus, it became established as a teaching representing men’s dignity and sense of responsibility.
Usage Examples
- Even though mother made dinner especially for us, father always used to say that not eating prepared meal is man’s shame
- Refusing the date plan that she worked so hard to prepare would be what they call not eating prepared meal is man’s shame
Modern Interpretation
In modern society, we can see significant changes in the interpretation of this proverb. Originally, it was a saying that taught “the virtue of honestly accepting others’ goodwill,” but nowadays it is often used with completely different meanings.
Particularly on the internet, it is sometimes used in contexts that justify opportunistic behavior in male-female relationships, which can be said to be a misuse that greatly deviates from the original meaning. Such modern interpretations end up having meanings completely opposite to the original values of dignity and sense of responsibility that the proverb possessed.
However, when we return to the original meaning, it contains lessons that are fully applicable in modern society. The importance of honestly showing gratitude and appropriately responding to goodwill shown by others in daily life – whether it’s consideration from workplace colleagues, invitations from friends, or thoughtfulness from family – remains unchanged even today.
In modern communication, understanding others’ feelings and responding to their consideration has become even more important. Even in exchanges on social media and messaging apps, receiving others’ goodwill and showing gratitude becomes the key to maintaining good human relationships. By correctly understanding the original meaning, this proverb can serve as a valuable life guide even in modern times.
When AI Hears This
Men in the Edo period were actually often in positions where they had no choice but to rely economically on women. In merchant houses, the proprietress held real power; in pleasure quarters, courtesans controlled customers’ purse strings; and in restaurants, female owners could read the financial situation of their male patrons.
For example, in Edo merchant houses, it was not uncommon to start a business with “funds from the wife’s family.” In other words, men were economically dependent on their wives’ families. Moreover, in the pleasure quarters, if a courtesan didn’t favor you, you couldn’t receive good service, and since these venues also functioned as places for business negotiations at the time, this was a matter of life and death.
“A man who refuses a meal set before him brings shame upon himself” represents a desperate survival strategy born from such circumstances. Refusing opportunities offered by women meant voluntarily giving up economic chances. Contrary to modern notions of “manliness,” men in the Edo period needed to exercise extreme care not to displease women.
The expression “a man’s shame” in this proverb most likely warned against “the foolishness of men who are economically dependent on women ruining those relationships.” While it appears on the surface to be a lesson preaching assertiveness, it was actually a survival tactic for men as economically vulnerable parties.
Lessons for Today
What this proverb teaches us modern people is the importance of having the courage to receive others’ feelings. In modern society, restraint and modesty are often considered virtues, and we sometimes decline goodwill by saying “I’m sorry” out of politeness.
But sometimes, honestly saying “thank you” and accepting someone’s kindness is actually something that makes the other person happy too. Think back to times when you did something for someone. Wasn’t it much more pleasant when they happily accepted it rather than being overly modest?
Human relationships are built on a balance of giving and receiving. Always being on the giving side or always being on the modest side might actually create distance with others. By honestly accepting others’ goodwill, your relationship with that person becomes deeper and warmer.
Starting today, why don’t you try being a little more honest about the small kindnesses that people show you? That will surely make the human relationships around you richer.
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