How to Read “親しき仲にも礼儀あり”
Shitashiki naka ni mo reigi ari
Meaning of “親しき仲にも礼儀あり”
This proverb teaches the importance of maintaining mutual respect and appropriate distance even in close relationships.
The closer we become to someone, the more we tend to become overly familiar or lose our sense of restraint. However, it is precisely at such times that we must not forget to express our consideration for others and maintain basic etiquette. This doesn’t simply mean following formal manners. It contains deep wisdom about human relationships—that by showing gratitude and respect through our words and attitudes, we can maintain good relationships for a long time. Whether with family, friends, lovers, or colleagues, no matter how close we are to someone, it teaches that it’s important to cherish basic words like “thank you” and “I’m sorry,” and to act with consideration for the other person’s position and feelings.
Origin and Etymology
“Even in intimate relationships there is etiquette” is a proverb that became widely used from the Edo period, but its fundamental concept has been rooted in Japanese society since ancient times.
Behind these words lies Japan’s culture of valuing “courtesy.” In court culture that continued from the Heian period, appropriate behavior according to social status and relationships was emphasized, and this spread to warrior society and then among common people. Particularly in the Edo period, under the influence of Confucianism, the concept of “etiquette” became more clearly defined and positioned as the foundation of human relationships.
What’s interesting is that these words don’t advocate mere formal manners, but rather arise from the paradoxical idea of “precisely because we are close.” In intimate relationships, we tend to let our guard down, but that’s exactly why it’s important to consciously show respect for others—this contains the Japanese people’s delicate insight into human relationships.
It became established as wisdom for smoothly conducting business and neighborhood relations within Edo period merchant culture, and has been passed down to the present day. This background reflects the characteristics of Japanese society, where it was necessary to maintain long-term relationships within small communities.
Usage Examples
- Just because we’re longtime friends doesn’t mean it’s okay not to apologize when you break a promise—even in intimate relationships there is etiquette
- Just because we’re married doesn’t mean you can say anything you want—as they say, even in intimate relationships there is etiquette
Modern Interpretation
In modern society, the meaning of this proverb has become more multifaceted. With the spread of social media and messaging apps, communication with close people has become more casual than before. While we can easily exchange messages with emojis and stickers, communication through text alone makes misunderstandings more likely to occur.
Particularly noteworthy is how the boundary between private and public has become ambiguous. Even when commenting on a close friend’s post, etiquette that considers that others will also see it is required. Also, with the spread of remote work, the sense of distance with colleagues has changed. In online meetings, even with close colleagues, consideration for appropriate clothing and background has become necessary.
On the other hand, among today’s younger generation, the very concept of “etiquette” is changing. There’s a tendency to emphasize empathetic communication that considers others’ feelings rather than formal honorific language. However, this is essentially the same thing. They are expressing consideration for others in ways appropriate to their era.
As globalization progresses, the spirit of this proverb is also being applied in relationships with people from different cultural backgrounds. Even when becoming close, respecting others’ cultural backgrounds and maintaining appropriate distance leads to better relationship building.
When AI Hears This
In the age of social media, the natural boundaries created by physical distance have completely disappeared from human relationships, leaving us personally responsible for creating “appropriate spacing” with those close to us. Previously, physical constraints like “the effort required to visit someone” or “finding the right time to call” naturally created comfortable distances, but now in an environment where we can access others 24/7, etiquette functions as the only “invisible brake” available to us.
What’s fascinating is how the role of etiquette becomes more complex the closer our relationships are. Even in LINE conversations with family or romantic partners, we unconsciously apply various etiquette rules: “being considerate about leaving messages on read,” “choosing not to contact someone late at night,” and “deciding how widely to share private photos.” While these behaviors show care for others, they simultaneously serve as defense systems protecting our own psychological territory.
Research on digital natives reveals the paradoxical finding that people feel more “pressure to respond” with close friends than with acquaintances. Without physical distance, artificial spacing through etiquette has become a crucial factor determining whether relationships can be sustained long-term. “Etiquette” in the social media era is no longer just about manners—it’s become a sophisticated technology for maintaining healthy human relationships in digital spaces.
Lessons for Today
What this proverb teaches us today is what true closeness means. If we truly value someone, rather than taking advantage of our familiar relationship, it’s important to treat them with care.
In daily life, we can start with small accumulations like saying “good morning” and “thank you” to family, keeping promises with friends, and properly listening to our partners. These are not stiff formalities, but natural acts of giving form to our affection for others.
In modern society, efficiency and rationality tend to be emphasized, but in human relationships, etiquette that seems “wasteful” might actually be the most valuable investment. By expressing consideration for others through words and actions, relationships become deeper and longer-lasting.
Look back at your relationships with important people. Even in daily life that has become routine, there should be many moments to be grateful for and show respect. That awareness becomes the first step toward richer human relationships.
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