How to Read “Build a fence between close friends”
Shitashiki naka ni kaki wo seyo
Meaning of “Build a fence between close friends”
This proverb teaches that even with close friends and family, keeping proper distance is important. No matter how close you are, stepping too far into someone’s territory or trying to share everything can actually damage the relationship.
People use this saying in friendships, marriages, and parent-child relationships. These are situations where closeness requires extra care. When you’re close to someone, you might stop being considerate and invade their time or privacy.
This proverb serves as an important warning in such moments.
Today, many people feel exhausted by constant connection on social media or overly attached relationships. This proverb reminds us that closeness and dependence are different things.
To maintain good relationships long-term, you need boundaries that protect each person’s freedom and dignity.
Origin and Etymology
No one knows exactly when this proverb first appeared in writing. However, people were already using it widely during the Edo period. The expression connects deeply with traditional Japanese housing culture.
“Kaki” means a low wall or hedge built between houses. Japanese homes have long had bamboo fences or wooden hedges between neighbors. These weren’t tall walls that completely blocked the view.
Instead, they created just the right distance while still letting people sense each other’s presence.
The choice of the word “kaki” is fascinating. The proverb doesn’t use “wall” or “barrier.” It specifically says “kaki” to suggest moderate separation, not complete isolation.
A kaki lets wind and light pass through. Neighbors can even talk across it sometimes. It’s a flexible boundary.
Japanese attitudes toward personal distance in relationships connect to this housing culture. Even in close relationships, people respect each other’s privacy and independence.
This Japanese wisdom is captured perfectly in the word “kaki.”
Interesting Facts
Traditional Japanese fences came in many types, each with its own meaning. Bamboo fences were most common. Styles like yotsume-gaki and kenninji-gaki varied by region and family status.
The height and density of the fence supposedly expressed the relationship between neighbors.
This proverb shares ideas with the tea ceremony concept of “ichi-go ichi-e.” Even with close friends, you treasure each moment and maintain appropriate tension.
This approach actually creates deeper trust.
Usage Examples
- Even with best friends, having them visit every day gets tiring. Build a fence between close friends, as they say.
- Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you need to share everything. Build a fence between close friends – proper distance matters.
Universal Wisdom
The greatest irony in human relationships is this: the closer you become, the more fragile the relationship gets. Why does this happen? Because intimacy breeds carelessness, and carelessness breeds disrespect.
At first, you treat someone politely. But as you grow closer, you start thinking “this much should be fine.” You use their time as if it’s yours.
You treat their belongings as your own. You casually discuss their secrets. Under the name of closeness, you’re actually invading their boundaries.
This proverb has survived hundreds of years because people keep making this mistake. In every era and culture, people only realize the value of proper distance after losing someone close.
What’s interesting is that the proverb doesn’t say “don’t build a fence.” It actively encourages you to “build a fence.” Taking distance isn’t coldness – it’s actually an expression of love.
You respect the other person as an independent individual. You protect their freedom and dignity.
Isn’t that what true closeness means? Every human has contradictory desires: to be loved and to be free. The “fence” makes both possible.
When AI Hears This
Close relationships resemble a physics phenomenon where two systems touch and their boundaries blur. In thermodynamics, two rooms without a partition mix their temperature and air composition.
Eventually, you can’t tell them apart. This is entropy increase.
The same thing happens in human relationships. As people grow closer, their time, money, emotions, and privacy mix together. The line between self and other becomes unclear.
Physics tells us something fascinating: separating mixed things always requires energy. For example, returning mixed air to its original state needs cooling devices or partition boards.
You must do work from outside. The “fence” in relationships works exactly this way.
It’s a device for intentionally creating boundaries and maintaining order. Without it, relationships naturally keep mixing. Eventually they reach a high-entropy state called dependence or codependence.
Notice what happens when entropy reaches maximum: no new changes occur. In a completely mixed relationship, there’s no more stimulation or growth.
A proper fence keeps two systems independent. Each accumulates different experiences.
When they meet again, fresh interaction becomes possible. The fence doesn’t make relationships cold. It’s a scientifically correct strategy for maintaining long-term vitality.
Lessons for Today
Modern society needs this proverb’s wisdom more than ever. Social media connects us 24 hours a day. Remote work keeps families constantly together.
Taking distance, both physically and psychologically, has become harder.
Here’s what you need to understand: taking distance is never a cold act. Rather, you respect someone’s time and space precisely because you care about them. That’s what mature love looks like.
Specifically, have the courage to say “no” even to close people. Trust that relationships won’t break without daily contact.
Don’t try to know everything about someone. Respect the parts you don’t know.
Most importantly, value your own time and space.
Good relationships let both people keep growing as independent individuals. The fence lets you respect the person on the other side as a complete human being.
The words and time you share across that fence become more special.
Closeness isn’t about having no distance. It’s about connecting deeply while maintaining proper distance.
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