How to Read “Don’t chase those who leave, don’t refuse those who come”
Saru mono wa owazu kuru mono wa kobamazu
Meaning of “Don’t chase those who leave, don’t refuse those who come”
This proverb expresses a tolerant and natural attitude toward relationships. It means you shouldn’t force people to stay when they want to leave. At the same time, you should welcome newcomers with an open heart.
The saying recognizes that people who leave have their own reasons. Respecting those reasons is important. It also teaches us not to approach new people with suspicion or wariness. Instead, we should greet them with openness.
This expression is often used when discussing the generosity leaders should have. It’s also used when talking about life transitions. The proverb encourages letting go of the past and embracing new encounters positively.
Today, people use this saying in many situations. These include workplace transfers and changing friendships. It reminds us to accept the natural flow of human relationships.
Origin and Etymology
The exact origin of this proverb is uncertain. However, scholars suggest it may have been influenced by ancient Chinese philosophy. The ideas of Taoism seem especially relevant here.
The concept of not resisting natural flow connects to Laozi’s teaching of “wu wei” (effortless action). This philosophy emphasizes going with nature rather than forcing things.
In Japan, this expression appears in documents from the Edo period. This means it was widely known at least by that time. In samurai society, people frequently changed their loyalties and positions.
Forcing someone to stay could damage everyone’s honor. Viewing newcomers with suspicion could harm the organization’s growth. These practical concerns shaped how people thought about relationships.
The structure of the phrase is interesting. It presents two contrasting situations: “those who leave” and “those who come.” For each situation, it uses negative forms: “don’t chase” and “don’t refuse.”
These negative forms emphasize restraint. They tell us to suppress natural human emotions like attachment and exclusion. The proverb teaches us to have greater generosity.
The saying compares the flow of people to the flow of a river. It encourages accepting this natural movement with grace and dignity.
Usage Examples
- I’m sad my colleague is changing jobs, but I’ll send them off with the spirit of “Don’t chase those who leave, don’t refuse those who come”
- It’s lonely when old members leave and new people join, but we can only look forward with “Don’t chase those who leave, don’t refuse those who come”
Universal Wisdom
In relationships, we often get trapped by two emotions: attachment and exclusion. When someone important wants to leave, we want to stop them. When a stranger approaches, we become wary.
These reactions may come from survival instincts. They feel natural. But this proverb has been passed down for hundreds of years. It shows a more mature way of handling relationships.
People always have reasons for leaving. Ignoring those reasons and forcing them to stay disrespects their will. In the end, this only makes the relationship worse.
Similarly, viewing newcomers with suspicion cuts off possibilities. Our ancestors understood something important. They saw the flow of people as a natural phenomenon.
They learned that accepting this flow, rather than fighting it, builds richer relationships over time. This wisdom works better in the long run.
The essence of this wisdom is the courage to let go of control. It means giving up the desire to make people do what you want. It means respecting everyone’s choices.
This requires deep trust. People who leave might return someday. People who come might bring wonderful connections. Having the peace of mind to believe this shows true maturity.
When AI Hears This
When you view relationships as an information system, this proverb represents a surprisingly efficient energy strategy.
Entropy is simply the degree of disorder. As a universal law, all systems naturally move toward disorder. This is why rooms naturally become messy.
Relationships work the same way. Trying to maintain relationships that are naturally drifting apart goes against this law.
The cost of maintaining order is crucial here. Information theory shows that keeping a low-entropy state (organized state) requires continuous energy input.
Stopping someone from leaving takes effort. You must keep contacting them, persuading them, and repairing the relationship. This consumes enormous psychological energy.
In contrast, accepting people who come requires almost no cost. You’re simply riding an energy flow that’s already moving toward you.
What’s more interesting is this: forcibly maintained relationships create a “false low-entropy state.” They may look connected on the surface, but information quality is degrading inside.
In other words, the relationship is only superficial. No meaningful information exchange happens. There are no deep conversations or real trust.
This proverb teaches us not to fight natural entropy. Instead, we should concentrate our energy on truly valuable relationships. This is wisdom about efficient resource allocation.
Lessons for Today
Modern society changes rapidly. We encounter and part with people frequently. This proverb teaches us to accept change flexibly, without fear.
At work and in private life, feeling anxious when people leave is natural. But trying to stop them out of anxiety makes relationships awkward.
What matters is respecting their choice. Send them off with gratitude. When you do this, your emotional connection remains, even if you’re physically apart.
Opening your heart to new encounters is equally important. Clinging to past relationships or being wary of new people makes your world smaller.
Welcoming newcomers can create unexpected wonderful connections and opportunities. You never know what might happen.
This proverb teaches us courage to go with life’s flow. Don’t try to control everything. Accept natural changes.
When you have this peace of mind, your relationships become richer and freer. This is the gift of letting go.
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