How to Read “去る者は日々に疎し”
Saru mono wa hibi ni utoshi
Meaning of “去る者は日々に疎し”
“Those who leave become distant day by day” is a proverb that expresses the human psychology of how affection and love for people who have passed away or left naturally fade with the passage of time.
This is not criticizing a cold heart at all. Rather, it is a word that objectively observes the natural flow of human emotions. No matter how much you loved someone, once that person is gone, opportunities to remember them in daily life gradually decrease. Even if you remembered them every day at first, eventually it becomes once a week, once a month, and finally you only remember them on special days. This is a natural movement of the human heart.
The situations where this proverb is used are mainly when explaining the fickleness of human hearts. It is also used to comfort people who blame themselves saying “It’s heartless to forget that person” by telling them “That’s just human nature.” It is also used as an expression when accepting the reality that people who were beloved during their lifetime are forgotten as time passes. Even in modern times, this universality of human psychology remains unchanged, and it can be said to be a proverb containing deep insights that many people can relate to.
Origin and Etymology
Regarding the origin of “Those who leave become distant day by day,” the current situation is that no clear documentary evidence has been found. However, we can speculate about its formation from the structure of this proverb and the words used in it.
First, let’s focus on the word “saru” (leave). In classical Japanese, “saru” was used not only to mean “depart” but also “die.” In other words, this proverb likely originally expressed changes in feelings toward deceased people.
The classical word “utoshi” (distant) is also an important point. It is the etymological source of the modern word “soen” (estranged), meaning “affection becomes thin” or “relationships become diluted.” This word has been used since the Heian period and was often employed when expressing subtle changes in human relationships.
From the expression “hibi ni” (day by day), we can read the gradual change over time. This can be said to be a very realistic expression that observed the natural movements of human psychology.
The background to the birth of this proverb is thought to lie in the Japanese people’s delicate observational eye toward human relationships. In particular, it was probably because there was a cultural foundation for calmly observing emotional changes in response to unavoidable life events such as separation and bereavement that such expressions were born.
Usage Examples
- Three years since my father passed away, I used to remember him every day at first, but recently I only think of him at random moments – “Those who leave become distant day by day” is well said
- I now only remember my friend who transferred schools about once a month, and I’m experiencing firsthand that “Those who leave become distant day by day”
Modern Interpretation
In modern society, “Those who leave become distant day by day” has come to have more complex meanings. This is because the development of SNS and digital technology has made it possible to stay connected with people who are physically separated.
On Instagram and Facebook, you can see the daily lives of friends who are far away almost every day. Using LINE and messaging apps, you can stay in touch anytime. These technologies have fundamentally changed the equation of “distance = estrangement” that this proverb assumed.
However, interestingly, even when connected digitally, actual relationships often fade. The relationship of exchanging “likes” on SNS continues, but there are no more really deep conversations. This might be called a new form of “distance.”
Also, in modern times, job changes and moving have become frequent, and the fluidity of human relationships has increased. Relationships with workplace colleagues often fade rapidly upon resignation. The spread of remote work has made physical distance affect human relationships even more.
On the other hand, the essence of this proverb – the human psychology that “emotions fade with time” – remains unchanged even as technology develops. Rather, in our information-overloaded modern age, the attention we can devote to each human relationship becomes dispersed, and we may tend to reach a state of “distance” more quickly.
When AI Hears This
In today’s social media-saturated world, the very structure of this proverb has undergone a complete reversal. While physical distance once equaled psychological distance, the two have now become entirely disconnected.
The most fascinating aspect is the “paradox of contact frequency.” Even when sharing the same workplace or school, we rapidly drift apart from those we’re not connected to on social media, while friends living overseas become closer through daily messaging exchanges. The physical act of “leaving” has become meaningless in digital space.
Even more noteworthy is the emergence of “selective intimacy.” Since social media allows us to choose exactly who we want to interact with, our accidental relationships with physically close people—neighbors, colleagues—begin to fade. As a result, those right in front of us can become the most distant.
This phenomenon has a neuroscientific explanation. The human brain prioritizes “recently accessed information,” making distant friends we frequently chat with on social media feel psychologically closer than neighbors we rarely speak to. In essence, “out of sight, out of mind” has transformed into “out of connection, out of mind,” rendering the very concept of physical distance obsolete.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches us the importance of accepting our humanity. There is no need to feel guilty about feelings for loved ones fading with time.
In modern society, maintaining past relationships through SNS tends to be considered a virtue, but it’s not realistic to maintain all human relationships at the same intensity. Rather, by surrendering to the natural flow of emotions, we can build deeper relationships with the people in front of us now.
What’s important is not denying fading emotions, but accepting them as part of the natural movement of the human heart. By doing so, we can be freed from attachment to the past and devote more energy to current human relationships.
Also, this proverb makes us think from the other person’s perspective. If we can understand that fading from someone’s memory is also natural, we should be able to walk through life more lightly. Rather than trying to be remembered forever, we should cherish relationships in this moment. Such a way of living is probably what truly nurtures rich human relationships.
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