How to Read “親の心子知らず”
Oya no kokoro ko shirazu
Meaning of “親の心子知らず”
“Parent’s heart child does not know” is a proverb that describes a situation where, despite parents thinking deeply about their children and showing various considerations and concerns, the children cannot understand their parents’ feelings or true intentions.
This proverb points out the gap between the complex and deep love that parents hold for their children and the understanding capacity of the children who receive it. Parents, drawing from their long life experience, make decisions with their children’s future in mind and sometimes take strict attitudes, but children tend to be caught up in immediate emotions and short-term concerns, unable to grasp their parents’ true intentions.
As for usage scenarios, this is often used by third parties who understand the parents’ position when children are dissatisfied with or rebelling against their parents’ actions or decisions. It is also used by parents themselves as words to express their feelings when they feel the loneliness of not being understood by their children. The reason for using this expression is to show that misunderstandings between parents and children are not unusual but rather a natural phenomenon, and to make people recognize anew the depth of parental love.
Origin and Etymology
Regarding the origin of “Parent’s heart child does not know,” while clear documentary evidence is not certain, it is believed to have become widely used among common people during the Edo period.
The background of this expression’s creation is deeply related to Japan’s family system. In Edo period society, it was commonplace for parents to worry about their children’s future and sometimes make harsh decisions. In merchant families there were succession issues, in samurai families there was maintaining the family name, and in farming families there was land inheritance – parents constantly acted while considering the entire family’s future.
What’s interesting is that this proverb expresses not simply parent-child relationships, but the deeper essence of human relationships. The classical word “shirazu” differs slightly from the modern “shiranai” (don’t know), containing stronger connotations of “understanding doesn’t reach” or “not noticing.”
Also, this proverb is said to have a continuation, sometimes used in the form “Parent’s heart child does not know, child’s heart parent does not know.” This expressed the difficulty of understanding both parents’ and children’s positions, suggesting not one-sided criticism but the difficulty of mutual understanding.
Since similar expressions can be found in moral instruction books from the Edo period, it is presumed to be words that naturally arose and became established in the lives of common people.
Usage Examples
- The son opposes his father’s job change, but it’s truly “Parent’s heart child does not know” – he doesn’t understand that it’s a decision made with the family in mind
- The daughter is angry at her mother for setting a strict curfew, but it’s “Parent’s heart child does not know” – it’s an action born from worry
Modern Interpretation
In modern society, “Parent’s heart child does not know” presents a more complex aspect. With the advancement of the information society, children grow up in completely different environments from their parents’ generation, creating significant differences in values and ways of life.
Through SNS and the internet, children are exposed to worlds their parents never experienced, sometimes possessing more information than their parents. In such situations, the traditional premise of “experienced parents guiding immature children” is shaken, and it’s not uncommon for parent-child roles to reverse.
Moreover, modern parents tend to strongly emphasize their children’s individuality and autonomy, and it has become less common to unilaterally impose values as in the past. However, parents’ feelings of concern for their children’s future remain unchanged, and they still try to offer their own advice and consideration regarding career choices and job hunting.
What’s interesting is that this proverb is increasingly viewed critically as “parental overinterference” in modern times. In contemporary child-rearing views that emphasize children’s independence, parental worry and consideration tend to be received as “unwanted meddling.”
On the other hand, due to nuclear families and declining birth rates, parent-child relationships have become closer, and each other’s emotions and thoughts have become more complexly intertwined than before. Therefore, parental expressions of love have also diversified, and it could be said that it has become more difficult than before for children to understand their true intentions.
When AI Hears This
“Parents’ hearts, children don’t know” actually serves as evidence that a child’s brain is developing normally. According to “theory of mind” research in developmental psychology, the ability to understand others’ feelings and intentions develops in stages, with full mastery typically achieved around age 8.
What’s particularly fascinating are the results from “false belief tasks” conducted with children under 4. When a child discovers that a box contains candy instead of crayons and is asked “What would a friend who doesn’t know think is in the box?”, most answer “candy.” This occurs because the concept that others can possess different information than oneself hasn’t yet developed.
This cognitive “limitation” actually serves a crucial function in nurturing children’s creativity and independence. If children could fully comprehend their parents’ worries and expectations from the start, they would likely become overly concerned with pleasing their parents and suppress their own interests and curiosity.
From a neuroscience perspective, this involves the development of the prefrontal cortex, a region that continues maturing until adolescence. In other words, “parents’ hearts, children don’t know” is a developmental inevitability—a biological mechanism that allows children to form their own value systems and build independent personalities. This period of “not understanding” represents a vital step toward future independence.
Lessons for Today
“Parent’s heart child does not know” teaches modern people the importance of thinking from others’ perspectives. Especially with people close to us, we tend to take their feelings and considerations for granted, but in reality we are receiving much thoughtfulness in places we cannot see.
In modern society, while individual independence and self-realization are emphasized, the weakening of human connections has become a problem. This proverb reminds us of feelings of gratitude toward people close to us. Not limited to parent-child relationships, it can serve as a trigger to notice that others are acting with us in mind in relationships with workplace supervisors and seniors, friends, and romantic partners.
What’s important is both the heart that cares for others even without being understood, and the effort to try to notice others’ feelings. Even if perfect understanding is difficult, if there are mutual feelings of caring for each other, we should be able to build better relationships. This proverb is wisdom needed especially in modern times, teaching us anew about the profundity of human relationships and the preciousness of love.
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