How to Read “女房の妬くほど亭主もてもせず”
nyōbō no yaku hodo teishu mote mo sezu
Meaning of “女房の妬くほど亭主もてもせず”
This proverb means that to the extent a wife worries about her husband’s infidelity and becomes jealous, the husband is actually not that popular with women.
In other words, it expresses a somewhat ironic observation that the person being worried about (the husband) is neither as attractive nor as popular as the wife thinks. This points out a psychological gap between spouses, suggesting that the wife’s worries and jealousy are actually unfounded concerns.
The situations where this proverb is used are mainly when a wife is excessively worried about her husband’s relationships with women. People around them might use it to mean “there’s no need to worry so much,” or sometimes the husband himself might use it self-deprecatingly. It’s also used when third parties are objectively viewing a couple’s relationship.
Even in modern times, it’s understood to mean “there’s actually no need to worry that much” for people who worry excessively about their partner’s relationships with the opposite sex. This is a proverb that sharply captures the psychology of human relationships, expressing how one-sided anxiety and jealousy in love and marriage don’t necessarily match reality.
Origin and Etymology
The origin of this proverb is thought to date back to the Edo period. It’s an expression born from the marital relationships and social conditions of that time, and is said to have spread naturally from the lives of common people.
The Edo period had a strict class system, and women’s social status was vastly different from today. It was considered natural for wives to obey their husbands, and it was difficult for them to directly express opinions about their husbands’ behavior. Even in such times, wives’ feelings of worry about their husbands’ infidelity and relationships with women existed just as they do today.
The word “netaku” (to be jealous), which is read as “yaku” in modern times, was commonly used in ancient times to express feelings of jealousy and envy. The concept of “moteru” (being popular) was also used in a broader sense that included not only being popular as a romantic interest as in modern times, but also social charm and popularity.
The background to this proverb’s establishment lies in the real-life experiences of common people during the Edo period. It was probably an expression containing a certain humor, born from the realistic observation that husbands weren’t as attractive and popular with women as their wives worried they were. It’s thought to have spread as an approachable proverb that contained the down-to-earth life sensibilities of common people.
Interesting Facts
The verb “netaku” (to be jealous) that appears in this proverb is read as “yaku” in modern Japanese, but in classical Japanese it was more widely used with the meaning of “netamu” (to envy). Interestingly, the kanji “妬” is written with the “woman” radical and “stone,” which is said to derive from ancient China comparing the intensity of women’s jealousy to the hardness of stone.
Looking at proverb collections from the Edo period, we can see that many expressions dealing with marital relationships were included, and this proverb was beloved among common people as one of them. For people of that time, psychological misunderstandings between spouses were probably a universal theme that hasn’t changed from modern times.
Usage Examples
- My wife is suspecting infidelity again, but it’s a case of “Wife’s jealousy extent husband popular also not” – there’s absolutely nothing to worry about
- She’s being overly controlling, but it’s a typical example of “Wife’s jealousy extent husband popular also not”
Modern Interpretation
In modern society, we can see major changes in the values underlying this proverb. First, the words “nyōbō” (wife) and “teishu” (husband) themselves feel old-fashioned and don’t necessarily apply to the diverse marital relationships and partnerships of today.
In the modern era where SNS and dating apps have become widespread, anxiety about a partner’s relationships with the opposite sex has become more complex than before. The concept of “popular/not popular” has also changed because the opportunities for various encounters have increased. This is because it has become possible to connect with many people digitally, regardless of actual attractiveness.
Also, in modern times, more people worry about their partner’s behavior regardless of gender. While this proverb originally assumed women worrying about men’s infidelity, it’s now sometimes understood as an expression that applies to people of any gender who feel anxious about their lover’s or spouse’s relationships with the opposite sex.
On the other hand, the essential message of this proverb – that “excessive worry about one’s partner is unfounded concern” – is still quite applicable today. It functions as words that provide a calm perspective on behaviors like checking a partner’s activities on SNS or being overly controlling.
In modern romantic relationships, building trust is more highly valued, and this proverb can be said to have new meaning as an expression that indirectly teaches us the importance of believing in our partner.
When AI Hears This
Tracing the etymology of the Japanese word “yaku” (to be jealous), we find it derives from “yaku” (to burn). This isn’t merely a linguistic shift—it captures human psychology with remarkable precision. When we actually experience jealousy, that burning sensation in our chest reflects exactly what this etymology suggests.
Modern cognitive psychology has proven that we develop strong “attentional bias” toward objects of our affection. This phenomenon causes us to unconsciously focus on information we find highly relevant. A wife’s detailed observation of her husband’s behavior stems from her extraordinarily high interest in him—the flip side of deep love. Furthermore, “confirmation bias” means that once she forms the hypothesis “he might be attractive to others,” she unconsciously collects only evidence that supports this theory.
What’s fascinating is how these cognitive biases trigger “overdetection.” Evolutionary psychology explains that overestimating the risk of losing an important partner was more advantageous for survival than missing such threats entirely. In other words, a wife’s jealousy occurs because her love-detecting sensors are simply too sensitive.
This proverb brilliantly captures a psychological insight: in marital communication, the very depth of one’s concern can sometimes distort reality. By linking this phenomenon to the physical sensation of “burning,” it creates a crystalline expression of psychological wisdom.
Lessons for Today
What this proverb teaches us modern people is the importance of maintaining “appropriate distance” in romantic and marital relationships. Interest in someone you love is a natural emotion, but excessive worry and control become burdens for both your partner and yourself.
What’s important is having the courage to trust your partner. When you feel anxious, step back and try to view the situation objectively. Much of what you’re worrying about might be unfounded concerns that won’t actually happen.
In today’s SNS society, we can see too much of our partner’s behavior, which can actually increase anxiety. However, true affection also means respecting your partner’s freedom and believing in them while waiting.
This proverb speaks to us with a smile, saying “it’s okay, you don’t need to worry so much.” No one is perfect, and your partner is also an attractively human-sized person. Isn’t a relationship where you can trust each other the path to true happiness?
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