How to Read “Feed them first, then say ‘now'”
Kuwasete oite sate to ii
Meaning of “Feed them first, then say ‘now'”
This proverb describes calculating behavior where someone gives a favor first, then asks for something in return later. It criticizes people who pretend to be kind or generous, but are actually setting up a situation where they can make demands later.
The saying points out how some people use kindness as a strategy. They give help or gifts not from pure goodness, but as groundwork for future negotiations.
People use this proverb when an apparently free act of kindness turns out to be a setup for later requests. You might hear someone say, “Watch out for that person—they’re the ‘feed them first, then say now’ type.” It usually carries a warning or critical tone.
Even today, this kind of calculated kindness exists in business and personal relationships. The proverb teaches us the importance of distinguishing between genuine goodwill and manipulative generosity.
Origin and Etymology
No specific historical text marks the first use of this proverb. However, its structure suggests it reflects the everyday sensibilities of common people during the Edo period.
The expression “kuwaseru” (to feed) meant more than just providing food. It carried the broader meaning of giving favors or taking care of someone.
In Edo period relationships, mutual help was essential to daily life. But at the same time, people sometimes used these favors as bargaining chips in later negotiations.
The word “sate” (now) is particularly interesting here. This word normally works as a transition in conversation. But in this proverb, it means “well then” or “so now,” capturing the moment when someone switches from kindness to making their real request.
The phrase perfectly captures someone being nice first, then saying, “Well then, actually I have a favor to ask.”
This expression was born from common people’s sharp observation of human relationships. The proverb keenly points out the calculation hidden behind surface-level kindness.
It treats the act of creating obligation and the act of demanding repayment as one connected flow. This shows deep insight into human psychology.
Usage Examples
- He helped me when I was in trouble, but it was classic “feed them first, then say ‘now'”—later he pushed an unreasonable request on me
- That company’s hospitality is typical “feed them first, then say ‘now'”—when contract time comes, they always make you accept unfavorable terms
Universal Wisdom
“Feed them first, then say ‘now'” has been passed down through generations because it brilliantly captures a fundamental duality in human nature.
Humans possess both the genuine desire to help others and the desire to pursue their own interests. When these two mix together, transactions disguised as kindness are born.
Creating obligation looks beautiful on the surface, but inside it hides expectations of future returns.
What’s interesting is that this proverb doesn’t just condemn calculating people. It reveals the unspoken power dynamics in human relationships.
The psychological pressure to repay favors has existed in every era. Our ancestors saw through people who deliberately exploit this pressure.
This proverb teaches us that human actions always involve multiple intertwined motives. Completely selfless goodwill and completely calculating malice are both actually rare.
Most of the time, our actions fall somewhere between goodwill and calculation. That’s why the ability to discern others’ true intentions matters in every age.
So does the honesty to be truthful about our own motivations.
When AI Hears This
The human brain cannot calculate “what has already been received” as a loss. For example, after finishing a meal, the fullness definitely exists, yet the brain activates a “must not waste this” loss-aversion emotion.
Behavioral economics experiments show people feel the pain of losing ten dollars about 2.5 times more strongly than the joy of gaining ten dollars.
What makes this proverb clever is that it exploits how humans create an illusion that food—something already consumed and unrecoverable—could somehow become a loss.
Even more interesting is the combined effect with the reciprocity principle. According to psychologist Robert Cialdini’s research, people increase tips by 23 percent for a single free mint.
This “give first” strategy reduces the recipient’s judgment ability by an average of 30 percent according to data. In other words, once given a meal, the person falls into a state where calm cost-benefit calculation becomes impossible.
The two-stage attack shown in this proverb has exactly the same structure as modern smartphone game free gachas and food sampling. The moment something is given for free, a sense of “debt” forms in the brain.
When a request comes immediately after, people accept conditions they should normally refuse, thinking “since they fed me.” The human decision-making system has no defense function against time-delayed attacks.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches modern people the importance of transparency in human relationships. Kindness and goodwill should ideally seek no return, but in reality, various motives coexist.
That’s why being honest about your own motivations matters when you do something for someone.
When you help someone, ask yourself: Is this pure goodwill, or am I expecting something in return later? The latter isn’t necessarily bad.
What matters is not hiding it and building relationships in a way the other person can understand.
Conversely, when someone shows you kindness, you need eyes to calmly discern the intentions behind it. You don’t need to become suspicious, but being too defenseless is also problematic.
Healthy relationships are built when mutual expectations and intentions are clear.
Most importantly, don’t become a “feed them first, then say ‘now'” person yourself. If you interact with people with honesty and transparency, you can build the real treasure of trust.
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