How to Read “子を持って知る親の恩”
Ko wo motte shiru oya no on
Meaning of “子を持って知る親の恩”
This proverb means that only when you become a parent yourself and experience raising children can you truly understand how much deep love and devoted effort your own parents put into raising you.
As children, we tend to take our parents’ love and hardships for granted, but when we actually have children of our own, we come to personally understand the various struggles and weight of responsibility that our parents experienced, such as nighttime feedings, caring for sick children, financial burdens, and worries about the future. Through this experience, we deeply understand how much difficulty our own parents went through to raise us, and feelings of gratitude naturally well up within us. This proverb doesn’t teach gratitude toward parents as a sermon, but rather expresses the natural change in emotions that emerges through accumulating life experiences. Even today, many new fathers and mothers have moments when they truly understand “how their parents felt,” experiencing exactly the change in mindset that this proverb describes.
Origin and Etymology
The origin of “Having child know parent’s kindness” is thought to have developed from teachings about filial piety rooted in ancient Chinese classical thought. In particular, it is believed to be a proverb that emerged when the Confucian concept of “filial piety” was transmitted to Japan and fused with Japan’s unique family values.
The establishment of the family system during the Edo period played a major role in the background of this proverb taking root in Japan. In the society of that time, repaying one’s debt to parents was emphasized as a moral obligation, and this way of thinking was recorded in many instructional books and moral texts. The concept of “the debt of nurturing” was particularly emphasized, and the importance of understanding the hardships and depth of love that parents experience in raising children was preached.
What’s interesting is that this proverb doesn’t stop at being merely a moral teaching, but accurately expresses the psychological changes in the human growth process. This teaching, which expresses in concise words the feelings and hardships of parents that can only be understood through the experience of child-rearing, has resonated with many people across the ages. Nurtured within the common culture of the Edo period, it has been passed down as a Japanese value that emphasizes family bonds even after the Meiji era.
Usage Examples
- Since my daughter was born, I’ve been calling my mother more often – it’s truly “Having child know parent’s kindness”
- With my son’s night crying causing continuous sleep deprivation, I’m keenly feeling “Having child know parent’s kindness”
Modern Interpretation
In modern society, the meaning of this proverb has become more multi-layered. As nuclear families have become more common and living with grandparents has decreased, opportunities to observe parents’ hardships up close have diminished. As a result, a situation has emerged where there are almost no opportunities to understand the difficulties of parenting until one actually has children.
Moreover, modern child-rearing has complexities different from the past. With the increase in dual-income households, new challenges of balancing work and childcare have emerged, along with modern-specific concerns such as daycare waiting lists and rising education costs. The spread of social media has made it easier to compare with other families, increasing anxiety and pressure regarding child-rearing.
On the other hand, there are also benefits from the information society. Through parenting books, internet information, and parenting apps, it has become possible to obtain much more abundant knowledge than previous generations of parents had. However, having too much information can conversely create confusion, and many parents struggle with “child-rearing without correct answers.”
Under these modern circumstances, this proverb takes on new meaning. Rather than simply understanding parents’ hardships, it continues to be supported by many people as words that help us recognize anew the essence of parent-child love that remains unchanged even as times change.
When AI Hears This
When you have children, your brain is literally “remade.” This isn’t a metaphor—it’s an actual phenomenon where brain structure changes.
Through pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing, the hippocampus (the part governing memory) in a mother’s brain grows by about 2%. Furthermore, the secretion of oxytocin, the “love hormone,” jumps to more than five times the normal amount. In other words, from the moment you become a parent, your brain completely switches to “child protection mode.”
What’s fascinating is that this brain change strengthens the “empathy circuits.” For example, when parents hear a baby cry, their brains react within 0.1 seconds. This is faster than conscious judgment. In other words, a mechanism is created where the body moves before thinking.
Only after entering this state can you truly “feel” why your own parents got up countless times in the middle of the night to care for you. What you previously thought was “natural because they’re parents” becomes understandable as the brain’s reward circuits being designed to recognize “a child’s smile = ultimate pleasure.”
Becoming a parent is equivalent to putting on new “brain glasses.” Even looking at the same scenery, you see completely different things—it’s a cognitive revolution.
Lessons for Today
What this proverb teaches modern people is the importance of gaining new perspectives at each stage of life. Not limited to child-rearing, we become able to understand the feelings and situations of others that were previously invisible to us through various experiences.
Particularly in modern society, we tend to have limited time with family due to being caught up in busyness. However, this proverb gives us an opportunity to stop and think. Our current selves exist because of the support of many people. It reminds us not to forget that feeling of gratitude, and that now it’s our turn to support the next generation.
This proverb also teaches us that we don’t need to be perfect parents. Since parents are human too, they raise children through trial and error. If we can understand that this imperfection is also part of love, the pressure we feel about our own child-rearing will also lighten.
What’s important is applying the insights gained through experience to what comes next. Showing gratitude to parents through actions and pouring love into our own children. This is how the chain of love continues.
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