How to Read “Lending and borrowing make strangers”
Kashikari wa tanin
Meaning of “Lending and borrowing make strangers”
This proverb means that the moment two people enter into a lending relationship, they become “strangers” to each other.
No matter how close friends or acquaintances they were before, money changes the relationship. The original warmth and affection between them gets lost. This saying serves as a warning about this transformation.
People use this proverb when someone close asks to borrow money. It’s also used when you’re thinking about asking a friend for a loan. The saying points out the danger in these situations.
You’ll also hear it when looking back at cases where lending money actually destroyed a relationship.
This lesson remains important today. Money troubles between friends or family are often impossible to fix. The person who lent money feels awkward asking for it back.
The borrower feels guilty and burdened. This psychological weight eventually builds an invisible wall between them.
Origin and Etymology
No clear records exist about when or where this proverb first appeared. However, we can understand its background by looking at how the words are used.
Lending and borrowing have existed in human society since ancient times. In Japan, village communities had a strong culture of helping each other.
At the same time, many cases showed how lending money or goods complicated relationships.
The word “strangers” here is particularly interesting. It doesn’t just mean people without blood relations. It carries a deeper meaning of “people whose hearts don’t connect.”
In other words, no matter how close two people are, their relationship changes the moment money enters the picture. This insight is built into the proverb.
This lesson was probably especially valued in merchant culture during the Edo period. Trust mattered more than anything in business.
But merchants also understood how difficult money relationships could be. The wisdom that close friends should especially avoid lending money is captured in this saying.
Usage Examples
- Because we’re best friends, let’s remember that lending and borrowing make strangers, and keep money matters clear between us
- We were friends for years, but we grew apart over the money I lent him—truly, lending and borrowing make strangers
Universal Wisdom
The proverb “Lending and borrowing make strangers” contains deep wisdom about the nature of human relationships. Why does money change how people relate to each other?
Money brings in the world of “calculation,” which operates on a different level from emotions. Friendship and love exist beyond profit and loss.
But the moment lending happens, clear obligations and expectations appear. The lender wonders “When will they pay me back?” The borrower feels pressure to “return it quickly.”
What’s even more serious is how this relationship destroys equality. Human relationships normally stand on mutual respect between equals.
But when a creditor-debtor relationship forms, a subtle hierarchy emerges. The lender holds the upper position. The borrower falls into the lower one. This asymmetry creates emotional distance.
Our ancestors learned this psychological mechanism through experience. If you want to protect a close relationship, don’t introduce the foreign element of money.
This is a timeless truth about human relationships.
When AI Hears This
Before lending occurs, friendship has the structure of a cooperative game. Both people benefit by helping each other. But the moment money is lent, this becomes a non-cooperative game.
Why? Because the borrower now has two choices: “return it” or “don’t return it.” The lender also faces choices: “demand payment” or “stay silent.”
What’s important here is that “don’t return it” easily becomes the dominant strategy for the borrower. Not returning means keeping the money. Returning means losing it.
Meanwhile, the lender loses either way. Demanding payment makes things awkward. Staying silent means losing money. This is the prisoner’s dilemma itself.
What makes it worse is that this state is irreversible. Once the game structure changes, you can’t return to the original cooperative relationship.
Both people’s minds constantly run strategic thinking about “what will they do next?” The pure trust that existed before lending is gone forever.
In other words, relationship breakdown isn’t an emotional problem. It’s the result of the mathematical structure of the relationship changing.
This proverb identified a cold truth that game theory proves, based purely on experience.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches us how to draw boundaries that protect important relationships. We tend to think we can share everything with people we’re close to.
But actually, closeness requires certain lines we shouldn’t cross.
Specifically, when friends or family ask for financial help, refusing isn’t cold. It’s actually an expression of love that protects the relationship.
If you truly want to help, give the money as a gift with no expectation of return. Or make a formal contract that separates emotion from the transaction. Choose one or the other.
Also, when you’re in trouble, have the courage not to easily rely on people close to you. Think carefully whether solving a temporary problem is worth risking a relationship built over years.
This proverb teaches the importance of “healthy distance” in relationships. Intimacy and dependence are different things.
If you want to maintain relationships with truly important people, choosing not to introduce the test of money is also a form of deep affection.
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