How to Read “Lend money and lose a friend”
かねをかせばともをうしなう
Meaning of “Lend money and lose a friend”
This proverb means that when you lend money to a friend, there’s a high chance your friendship will break down.
Lending and borrowing money creates a new dynamic in what was once an equal relationship. It introduces a hierarchy between “the lender” and “the borrower,” turning friends into creditor and debtor.
The borrower feels pressure to repay and finds it awkward to face the lender. Meanwhile, the lender must ask for repayment if it’s delayed, which creates cracks in the friendship.
Even if the money gets repaid, the awkwardness and distrust that developed during the process don’t easily disappear.
This proverb is often used before money problems arise. People use it as a polite way to decline a loan request from a friend, or as a reminder to themselves.
Even today, it’s widely understood as a lesson that relationship issues and money issues should be kept separate.
Origin and Etymology
There don’t seem to be clear documentary records about the exact origin of this proverb.
However, it likely crystallized from people’s long experience with how lending money affects human relationships.
During Japan’s Edo period, commerce developed and money exchanges became common among ordinary people.
During this era, there must have been many cases where borrowers couldn’t repay and relationships broke down. There were also situations where lenders damaged friendships by pressing for repayment.
The proverb probably spread from the accumulation of such real-life experiences.
What’s interesting is the structure of this proverb. The condition “lend money” and the result “lose a friend” are linked together concisely, like a law of cause and effect.
This isn’t just a warning. It’s been received as an expression showing a fundamental truth about human relationships.
The contrast between money as something material and friendship as something spiritual is also striking.
Our ancestors keenly understood that the act of lending and borrowing brings subtle changes to relationships of trust.
Usage Examples
- My best friend asked me for a loan, but they say “lend money and lose a friend,” so maybe I should politely decline
- We had a long friendship, but after I lent him money, he stopped contacting me. It’s exactly “lend money and lose a friend”
Universal Wisdom
The proverb “Lend money and lose a friend” has been passed down because our ancestors deeply understood the special power money holds in human relationships.
Friendship is originally a pure relationship of trust without calculations of profit and loss.
But the moment money enters the picture as a quantifiable value, the nature of the relationship fundamentally changes.
The borrower becomes bound by the obligation to “pay it back.” The lender develops anxiety about “will I get it back?”
This psychological shift is what truly erodes friendship.
Humans feel uncomfortable owing someone something. It’s partly about self-respect and partly about wanting to remain equals.
At the same time, doubt sprouts in the lender’s mind: “Maybe my goodwill will be betrayed.”
You lent the money because you trusted them, yet now that trust is being tested.
This proverb touches on an essential truth about relationships. The objective value that money holds and the subjective value that friendship holds should never be treated on the same level.
When you mix material things with spiritual things, you lose what’s precious. This universal truth is embedded here.
When AI Hears This
Friendship actually functions as what game theory calls an “infinitely repeated game.”
In other words, the expectation that “if I help you today, you’ll help me tomorrow” motivates mutual cooperation.
But the moment money lending occurs, the structure of this game fundamentally changes.
The borrower knows accurately about their own repayment ability and intention, but the lender cannot fully grasp this.
This information asymmetry causes fatal problems. Even if the borrower thinks “I can’t pay this back,” the lender doesn’t know.
Even if the borrower thinks “money matters more than friendship,” it’s not visible on the surface.
The lender can only wait in uncertainty, and during this waiting period, doubt grows.
What’s more important is that even when repayment is completed, the nature of the game doesn’t return to its original state.
In friendship, vague reciprocity works: “I’ll treat you this time, you treat me next time.”
But money lending becomes a clear creditor-debtor relationship: “repay 100,000 yen by the due date.”
At this moment, what should have been an infinite cooperation game transforms into a one-time judgment game of “will they pay back or not?”
Even if full repayment happens, new information gets carved into the lender’s brain: “this person uses me when they need money.”
This destroys the “equality” that’s the foundation of cooperation games, and irreversibly breaks the balance of the relationship.
Lessons for Today
What this proverb teaches us today is that protecting important relationships requires the courage to draw clear boundaries.
The desire to help a friend is noble. But if you choose the wrong method, you might hurt them and damage the relationship instead.
If a friend is struggling financially, think about ways to support them other than lending money.
Search for solutions together, provide information, introduce them to experts. There are always options besides loans.
If financial support is absolutely necessary, either give it as a gift without expecting repayment, or formalize it as a proper lending contract from the start.
Refusing is sometimes an act of protecting friendship. If you politely decline using the phrase “Lend money and lose a friend,” your friend will likely understand your consideration.
True friendship isn’t so fragile that it breaks because you didn’t lend money.
Rather, by respecting each other’s positions and maintaining a healthy distance, you can build a relationship that lasts long.
Comments