How to Read “If not foolish and if not deaf, one cannot become a mother-in-law or father-in-law”
Chi narazu rō narazareba kōkō to narazu
Meaning of “If not foolish and if not deaf, one cannot become a mother-in-law or father-in-law”
This proverb speaks to people who become mothers-in-law or fathers-in-law. It means “being a little insensitive is the secret to maintaining good relationships with your daughter-in-law.”
If you notice and point out every small mistake or shortcoming your daughter-in-law makes, family relationships become strained. You need tolerance to pretend not to see some things and pretend not to hear others.
This proverb applies when older people or those in higher positions think about how to treat younger people or newcomers. It teaches the importance of not demanding perfection and not obsessing over small details.
Even today, this wisdom lives on in workplace relationships between seniors and juniors, and in interactions between different generations in families.
Rather than focusing only on others’ flaws, sometimes approaching them with the kindness of insensitivity becomes the key to building good relationships.
Origin and Etymology
No specific written source has been identified as the first use of this proverb. However, the structure of the phrase reveals an interesting background.
“Chi” means foolishness or insensitivity. “Rō” means being deaf, or pretending not to hear. “Kōkō” refers to the mother-in-law and father-in-law, meaning the husband’s parents from the daughter-in-law’s perspective.
The background of this expression likely lies in Japan’s traditional family system. In the past, brides typically moved into their husband’s home and lived with their in-laws.
This environment naturally created friction from differences in generational values and living habits.
What’s interesting is that this proverb speaks not as “advice for the bride” but as “advice for the in-laws.” In other words, it counsels the older generation to “be a little insensitive” and “let small things slide.”
This represents traditional Japanese wisdom that those in higher positions should be more tolerant.
Don’t demand perfection from a young bride. Overlook some things and ignore others. Such generosity maintains family harmony.
This teaching strikes at the essence of human relationships.
Usage Examples
- Now that I’m a mother-in-law, I follow the spirit of “If not foolish and if not deaf, one cannot become a mother-in-law or father-in-law” and try not to worry about small things
- As “If not foolish and if not deaf, one cannot become a mother-in-law or father-in-law” says, it’s important for those in higher positions to be tolerant
Universal Wisdom
This proverb teaches us the greatness of “the power to overlook” in human relationships. We often pursue correctness so intensely that we cannot help pointing out others’ small mistakes and imperfections.
This tendency grows stronger the higher our position becomes. However, our ancestors understood that strictness demanding perfection can actually destroy relationships.
What’s interesting is that this proverb tells us to “be insensitive.” This isn’t simple indifference. It means noticing others’ flaws but deliberately choosing not to make them an issue.
There’s intentional kindness here, calculated tolerance.
No one is perfect. People entering new environments are trying their best while unfamiliar with everything. If they receive only detailed criticism at such times, their spirits break.
Rather, the sense of security that some things will be overlooked allows people to grow freely.
This proverb has been passed down through generations because it contains a universal truth about human relationships. Those in higher positions should be more humble.
Don’t wield superiority based on power or age. Instead, possess the strength of tolerance. That is the true mark of a mature person.
When AI Hears This
The human brain receives about 11 million bits of information per second. However, it can consciously process only about 40 bits.
In other words, we live by ignoring more than 99.999% of the information we receive. The “pretending not to hear, pretending not to see” that this proverb recommends is precisely an adaptation strategy to this biological constraint.
Claude Shannon, founder of information theory, showed that how a communication system handles “noise” determines its overall performance. Interestingly, trying to eliminate noise perfectly actually causes system costs to skyrocket and leads to failure.
For example, email spam filters don’t aim for 100% accuracy. They balance the risk of deleting important emails against the cost of letting some spam through, deliberately staying around 95% accuracy.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has the same structure. If you respond to every “noise signal” of small complaints and discomfort, cognitive resources become exhausted.
The “main signal” of true family harmony gets damaged. This proverb understands that stable operation of the human relationship system requires deliberate information selection, or “strategic ignoring.”
Here lies the paradox that abandoning perfect information processing actually leads to overall optimization.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches us modern people the value of “strategic tolerance” in human relationships. When you guide junior colleagues at work, watch over your children as a parent, or interact with teammates as a leader, this wisdom shows great power.
Perfectionism sometimes corners people. Repeated detailed criticism makes others shrink and prevents them from showing their true abilities.
Rather, “pretend not to notice” some things. That margin gives others a sense of security and creates space for growth.
This is definitely not irresponsible neglect. Communicate important things clearly. But let trivial things slide.
That balance is proof of mature human relationships.
Modern society, with the spread of social media, makes others’ words and actions more visible than before. That’s precisely why the choice to deliberately “not see” and “not hear” becomes more important.
Your tolerance can save someone’s heart and enrich relationships. Believing that, why not try being a little insensitive?
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