How to Read “When you give to others, do not dwell on it with pride”
Hito ni hodokoshite wa tsutsushimite omou koto nakare
Meaning of “When you give to others, do not dwell on it with pride”
This proverb teaches that you should not keep reminding yourself of the kindness you showed to others.
When you do something good for someone, you should not repeatedly think “I helped them back then” or “I did this for them.” You should also avoid acting in ways that make the other person feel indebted to you.
People use this saying when reminding themselves to maintain the right attitude. It is also used to advise someone who is acting too proud of their good deeds.
The proverb shows that true good deeds should be so natural that you forget about them afterward.
Even today, when someone has too strong a sense of “I did this for you,” it can burden the other person. It can also make relationships awkward.
This proverb teaches us that pure kindness should not expect anything in return. It should be so refreshing that you even forget you did it.
Origin and Etymology
This proverb is believed to be influenced by ancient Chinese philosophy, especially Confucian teachings.
The word “hodokoshi” (giving) refers to good deeds and kindness toward others. It has long been valued as a moral action.
The phrase “tsutsushimite omou koto nakare” is somewhat old-fashioned. It means “do not humbly remember it.”
Here, “omou” means to keep in mind and recall. It refers to repeatedly thinking back on how you helped someone.
Confucianism emphasizes the spirit of “jin,” which means compassion for others. At the same time, it teaches that true virtue does not seek rewards.
Keeping your good deeds in your heart as personal achievements actually diminishes their value. This is the underlying philosophy.
During Japan’s Edo period, this way of thinking spread widely through moral education.
In bushido (the way of the samurai), giving help was considered natural behavior. Being proud of it or dwelling on it was seen as lacking dignity.
This proverb is deeply connected to Japanese aesthetic values. It has been passed down through generations to this day.
Usage Examples
- I volunteer to teach children, but following the spirit of “When you give to others, do not dwell on it with pride,” I try not to expect gratitude
- He helps people in need but never acts superior about it—he truly practices “When you give to others, do not dwell on it with pride”
Universal Wisdom
Humans have a curious quality. When we do something good for someone, the memory stays in our hearts.
Sometimes the thought grows: “I did so much for them back then.” This does not come from bad intentions.
Rather, it comes from a very natural human desire. We want to find value in our actions. We want to be recognized.
But this proverb has been passed down for hundreds of years. Our ancestors saw the truth that lies beyond this desire.
Continuing to dwell on your good deeds eventually clouds their purity. The awareness of “I did this for them” unconsciously creates hierarchy in relationships.
It damages the equality between people.
True kindness is like a river flowing naturally. It is like the sun shining as a matter of course.
It expects no reward. It has the lightness of forgetting what you did.
Humans are not perfect, so achieving this completely may be difficult. But knowing this ideal makes a big difference in how you relate to others.
People who can forget the favors they gave are truly free. They have rich hearts.
When AI Hears This
In the 1980s, political scientist Robert Axelrod held a competition. He invited scholars worldwide to compete with computer programs using cooperation strategies.
Surprisingly, the simplest strategy won. It was called “tit for tat,” and it had just two rules.
First, always cooperate initially. Second, copy the opponent’s previous action. The core of this strategy is not keeping your own cooperation in memory.
You only watch the other person’s actions.
What is interesting here is a mathematical fact. Strategies that say “I helped you before, remember?” are mathematically disadvantageous.
When you run simulations thousands of times, strategies that bring up past good deeds get eliminated. This is because making the other person feel psychological debt causes them to avoid the relationship itself.
This means fewer opportunities for cooperation. On the other hand, strategies that cooperate casually and forget make it easy for others to cooperate back.
This creates long-term cooperation loops.
The same pattern appears in the actual biological world. Vampire bats share blood with their companions, but they do not impose favors.
They simply help individuals in need. When they are in need, they get helped. This “light reciprocity” is the strategy that survived millions of years of evolution.
The moral teaching “do not impose favors” is actually a mathematical truth that maximizes survival probability.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches you what true richness in human relationships means. In an era when people post their good deeds on social media or repeatedly talk about helping someone, this teaching has fresh significance.
What matters is that being kind itself becomes your joy. When you realize that the other person’s smile or relieved expression is the reward itself, your heart becomes truly free.
By letting go of the awareness of “I did this for them,” you paradoxically become lighter. You become able to reach out to more people.
Of course, you do not need to be perfect. Sometimes you will think “I helped them back then.”
That is natural as a human being. But the moment you think that, remember this proverb.
Take a deep breath and let that thought flow away in the wind. Your kindness does not need to remain in anyone’s memory.
It is enough that you made this world just a little warmer.
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