How to Read “If you try to be loyal, you cannot be filial; if you try to be filial, you cannot be loyal”
Chū naran to sureba kō narazu, kō naran to sureba chū narazu
Meaning of “If you try to be loyal, you cannot be filial; if you try to be filial, you cannot be loyal”
This proverb describes a situation where two important duties cannot coexist. If you try to fulfill your loyalty to your lord, you cannot fulfill your filial duty to your parents. If you prioritize caring for your parents, you cannot fulfill your loyalty to your lord.
In life, there are painful moments when two equally right and important paths appear before you. Yet you cannot choose both at the same time.
This proverb expresses such ultimate choices. It describes the dilemma where choosing one path means sacrificing the other.
Today, similar conflicts continue in different forms. We face tensions between company responsibilities and family duties, between work and caregiving, between career and childcare.
This proverb acknowledges the difficulty of such either-or choices. It shows us the reality that perfect balance is not always possible.
Origin and Etymology
This proverb is believed to originate from ancient Chinese classics. It came to Japan as an expression of the relationship between two important virtues in Confucian thought: loyalty and filial piety.
“Loyalty” means devotion to one’s lord or ruler. “Filial piety” means devotion to one’s parents. In Confucianism, these two were considered the most important moral duties humans should uphold.
However, in reality, situations arose where a lord’s orders conflicted with a parent’s wishes.
Throughout history, many samurai agonized between caring for aging parents and serving their lord. If they went on a distant campaign to serve their lord, they could not nurse their sick parents. If they stayed by their parents’ side, they could not fulfill their duty to their lord.
Such ultimate choices are believed to have given birth to this proverb.
In Japan, Confucian scholars of the Edo period widely discussed this saying. It became established as words expressing the spiritual conflicts of bushido, the way of the warrior.
Rather than being merely a moral teaching, it has been passed down to today as words that frankly acknowledge the real dilemmas humans face.
Usage Examples
- I received an offer to transfer overseas, but I cannot leave my mother with dementia alone. This is truly “If you try to be loyal, you cannot be filial; if you try to be filial, you cannot be loyal.”
- I was appointed project leader, but my father also needs care. The saying “If you try to be loyal, you cannot be filial; if you try to be filial, you cannot be loyal” really hits home.
Universal Wisdom
This proverb has been passed down for so long because it touches on a fundamental contradiction we cannot escape as social beings.
We do not live alone. We belong to the family, our closest community. At the same time, we are members of society, a larger community. Each community demands different roles and responsibilities from us.
What’s interesting is that this proverb does not say one side is wrong. Both loyalty and filial piety are correct. Both are values we should cherish as human beings.
Yet reality sometimes does not allow us to fulfill both perfectly.
This recognition contains deep insight into the human condition. We are finite beings. Our time, physical strength, and even mental energy are limited.
It is physically and mentally impossible to meet everyone’s expectations and fulfill all responsibilities perfectly.
Our ancestors faced this unavoidable conflict directly. Rather than the idealistic demand to “be perfect,” they put into words the reality that “there is suffering in having to choose.”
This honesty is perhaps the universal power this proverb holds.
When AI Hears This
When we analyze the situation this proverb describes mathematically, an interesting illusion emerges. Many people assume a zero-sum structure where “if you put 10 points into loyalty, you lose 10 points from filial piety.”
In other words, they assume the total is always fixed at 10, and increasing one side necessarily decreases the other. But are real choices truly structured this way?
In game theory, this kind of assumption is called “over-recognition of constraints.” For example, when an urgent company meeting overlaps with parent care, many people see only two options: “attend meeting = zero care” or “provide care = zero work.”
However, in reality, solutions like “wake up an hour early to arrange care,” “participate remotely and use travel time for care,” or “share work with colleagues” might allow for a 7-7 allocation of resources.
More importantly, this dilemma itself is merely “the rules of the game.” From a Pareto optimality perspective, if there’s room to improve the situation without anyone losing, it’s not yet the optimal solution.
In other words, if we can change the rule setting itself that “loyalty and filial piety cannot coexist” through negotiation or institutional design, we can escape the zero-sum curse.
For example, establishing caregiving leave systems is precisely an attempt to rewrite the rules of the game itself.
Lessons for Today
What this proverb teaches us today may be words of permission that we don’t need to aim for perfection.
Are you now facing difficult choices between work and family, between your own dreams and family expectations, between career and caregiving?
At such times, you don’t need to blame yourself thinking “I’m no good because I can’t do both perfectly.”
What matters is seriously considering what to prioritize at each moment and making that choice. And rather than completely abandoning responsibility for what you didn’t choose, continue showing consideration within your capacity.
Not perfect balance, but sincere choices and flexible adjustments. Isn’t that a realistic way to live?
This proverb also offers an important perspective to those around us. When someone chooses one path, we should not blame them asking “why did you sacrifice the other?”
Instead, we should have the kindness to understand the difficult choice they face. That becomes the first step in creating a society where we support each other.
Comments