How to Read “Build virtue rather than fall in love”
Koi wo suru yori toku wo shiro
Meaning of “Build virtue rather than fall in love”
This proverb teaches that developing your character is more important than becoming absorbed in romance. Romantic feelings are certainly an important part of life. However, it warns that if you become too consumed by them, your personal growth will suffer.
This saying is used when advising young people who are caught up in romance, or when reminding yourself to stay focused. When you fall in love, you can lose sight of everything around you. Studies, work, and other relationships that should matter can get neglected.
At such times, this proverb delivers the message: “Focus on improving yourself right now.”
Even today, many people pour too much time and energy into romance and miss opportunities for self-growth. This proverb teaches the importance of a long-term perspective. By building character and accumulating virtue, you ultimately create better relationships too.
Origin and Etymology
The exact first appearance of this proverb in literature is difficult to confirm. However, we can make interesting observations from how the phrase is constructed. It uses the contrasting expressions “fall in love” and “do virtue.”
What’s notable here is the phrase “do virtue.” In modern Japanese, people usually say “accumulate virtue.” But using “do virtue” as a verb emphasizes the act of acquiring virtue itself.
This proverb likely emerged under the influence of Confucian values during the Edo period. Society at that time valued character cultivation over individual emotions. It was especially meant as a lesson for young people.
The saying warned against drowning in the temporary emotion of romance. It stressed the importance of elevating one’s character as a human being.
The word choice of “love” and “virtue” is also clever because they create a pleasing rhythm. This makes the phrase memorable and easy to pass down orally. Such parallel expressions are common in traditional Japanese proverbs. They’re a technique for conveying lessons in a striking way.
Usage Examples
- Your grades dropped after getting a girlfriend? Remember, build virtue rather than fall in love
- My father told me to build virtue rather than fall in love when I was young, and now I understand what he meant
Universal Wisdom
Humans have a tendency to become captivated by intense emotions right in front of them. The emotion of romantic love is especially powerful. It can paralyze reason and even distort our sense of time.
This proverb has been passed down for so long because our ancestors keenly understood this universal phenomenon that humanity has experienced repeatedly.
What’s interesting is that this proverb doesn’t reject romance. It doesn’t say “don’t fall in love” but rather “build virtue.” In other words, it’s about priorities.
Youth is a crucial time for character formation. The inner richness you cultivate during this period becomes a lifelong treasure. On the other hand, if you spend this time only on romance, you may grow older without developing depth as a person.
This saying also contains the truth that before loving someone, you need to become a person worthy of being loved. People who accumulate virtue and polish their character naturally attract others.
In the end, improving yourself is the shortest path to better relationships. Our ancestors conveyed this paradoxical truth to us in simple words.
When AI Hears This
Romance is a “two-player game” that only works when another person is involved. Hidden within this is the structure of the prisoner’s dilemma. If both parties cooperate, they get the best outcome. But considering the risk that the other person might betray you, there’s a possibility you alone will lose.
In game theory, betrayal becomes the rational choice in such one-time games. Romance has a “one-time” quality because when a relationship with a specific person ends, that investment is basically unrecoverable.
Building virtue, however, has a completely different structure. Person A, whom you treated kindly, treats person B kindly, and this eventually comes back to you. This has the nature of a “repeated game.”
Mathematician Axelrod’s research proved that in such environments, the “tit-for-tat strategy”—continuing to behave cooperatively—produces the highest long-term gains.
What’s fascinating is that the effects of virtue spread throughout the “entire network.” Romance is basically a closed one-on-one system. But virtue spreads as reputation, and you can gain cooperation from unexpected people.
In other words, virtue is “diversified investment” while romance is “concentrated investment.” From a risk management perspective, this proverb shows an extremely rational investment strategy.
Lessons for Today
In modern society, not just romance but social media, games, and various forms of entertainment compete for our attention. This proverb teaches us not to be swept away by stimulating things in front of us. Instead, we should enrich our inner selves.
If you’re absorbed in something right now, pause and think about it. Will it help you grow a year from now? Five years from now?
Romance, hobbies, and entertainment are all important elements that color our lives. But if you drown in them and lose yourself, you’ve missed the point.
Specifically, develop the habit of spending even a little time each day on reading, learning, or skill development. Value deep conversations with people. Maintain an attitude of learning from various experiences.
The character you polish this way will serve you well in every aspect of your life.
Your choices today create your future self. Don’t just pursue immediate pleasure. Spend time on what’s truly valuable in the long run. That’s the path to a fulfilling life.
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