How to Read “Disliking when you have it, longing when it’s gone”
Arite no itoi, nakute no shinobi
Meaning of “Disliking when you have it, longing when it’s gone”
This proverb describes a contradictory human psychology. When we have something, we dislike it. After we lose it, we miss it dearly.
While something is with us, we take it for granted. We find it annoying or fail to appreciate it. But once we lose it, we suddenly realize how precious it was. Then we remember it with longing.
This expression applies to everything, not just physical objects. It covers relationships, environments, health, and time. Parents’ nagging seems annoying, but you miss it after leaving home.
Daily routine feels boring, but you realize it was special after it’s gone. People use this saying to describe such experiences.
This proverb teaches us how difficult it is for humans to recognize the value of what’s right in front of us.
Origin and Etymology
The exact first appearance of this proverb in literature is unclear. However, its structure suggests it’s an old expression of Japanese sentiment.
The phrase contrasts two opposite states: “having” and “not having.” It also contrasts two opposite emotions: “disliking” and “longing.” This structure follows the Japanese tradition of beautiful parallel expressions.
The word “itoi” in modern Japanese is read as “itou” and means hatred. But in ancient times, it was read as “itoi” and meant finding something bothersome or annoying.
“Shinobi” means remembering something lost with nostalgia and longing. These two emotions perfectly capture the contradictory nature of human psychology.
This proverb probably emerged naturally from people’s repeated experiences in daily life. Not recognizing the value of what’s close by, then realizing its importance only after losing it—this is universal across all times and cultures.
In Japan especially, there’s a deep cultural awareness of impermanence and the fleeting nature of things. This sensitivity likely created the fertile ground from which this proverb grew.
Usage Examples
- When I lived at home, my parents’ care felt like a burden. But after I started living alone, I missed it. That’s exactly “Disliking when you have it, longing when it’s gone.”
- When I was healthy, I didn’t think about it. But after catching a cold, I finally appreciated my normal health. That’s what “Disliking when you have it, longing when it’s gone” means.
Universal Wisdom
This proverb reveals a fundamental limit of human perception. We cannot properly measure the value of things that are always present. Value becomes clear only through comparison.
We understand the value of light only after experiencing darkness. We truly feel the value of health only after experiencing illness.
This human trait may have developed through evolution. For survival, our brains are designed to react sensitively to changes and dangers. Things that exist routinely are classified as “safe” and fade into the background. They move away from the center of our consciousness.
This is an efficient survival strategy. But at the same time, it causes us to overlook the happiness right in front of us.
Our ancestors deeply understood this human nature. That’s why they continued to sound the alarm through this proverb. Realizing something after losing it is too late. Recognize the value of what you have now, while you still have it.
This message is embedded in the saying. This proverb has been passed down through generations because this human trait never changes.
No matter how advanced civilization becomes, we continue to overlook the treasures in our hands.
When AI Hears This
When the same stimulus repeats, the brain judges it as “already known.” It then weakens the neural response. This is called habituation.
For example, you strongly smell new perfume at first. But after 30 minutes, you no longer notice it yourself. The brain automatically filters out “unchanging information” to conserve energy.
Research shows that neural responses to the same stimulus can decrease by up to 70 percent within minutes.
What’s interesting is the phenomenon that occurs the moment that stimulus disappears. The brain constantly predicts “what comes next.” When the prediction fails, a signal called prediction error occurs.
When something that was always there suddenly disappears, this prediction error strongly stimulates the amygdala, the emotional center. In other words, neural activity that was suppressed during presence is suddenly released by absence.
Furthermore, the hippocampus begins searching past memories. A process of reevaluating “what kind of existence was that” automatically starts.
At this time, memories that had faded through habituation vividly resurface with the strong signal of prediction error. In other words, both boredom and nostalgia are inevitable byproducts created by the brain’s information processing system.
It’s not emotion, but the mechanism of neural circuits itself that creates the truth of this proverb.
Lessons for Today
This proverb teaches modern people the practice of conscious gratitude. If we leave things alone, we naturally take what’s in front of us for granted.
That’s why we need the habit of pausing in our daily lives. We must consciously confirm the value of what we have now.
Specifically, you can start by listing small daily happinesses. The health to wake up in the morning, a warm meal, a safe place to sleep, someone to talk to.
These aren’t things to notice only after losing them. They’re things you can be grateful for right now, in this moment. Use your smartphone’s memo function to record “one thing I was glad to have today.”
This lesson also applies to relationships with important people. You can express gratitude to those always beside you before losing them.
Things you think you “can always say” are actually things that often go unsaid as time passes. Why not say a small word of thanks to someone around you today?
That’s the most certain way to prevent future regrets.
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